Negotiating with people who are easy to get along with is a pleasure. Yet negotiating is difficult when you're dealing with strong personalities, or when there's a lot of stress for one reason or another. So here are some very practical action items for negotiating, no matter whom you're dealing with.
First of all, regarding strong personalities, we all know one. In fact, we might just be one ourselves.
And when you're dealing with a strong personality, realize that a strong personality is not a bad trait. There are plenty of really nice people, in fact, who have strong personalities... it's just that they can come on really strong. A lot of hardworking people also have strong personalities. It's a part of who they are. - It's very helpful to have that realization.
What you need to do is aim to leverage and work alongside their strong personality.
- Don't sweat the small stuff.
First realize that you don't need to attend every argument you're invited to. People who have strong personalities can argue and make issues of small things. Yet it's entirely up to you whether or not you take that bait. Whether you hit that tennis ball back over the net. It's not worth it every time. You get to choose.
Think of these conversations like a chess game. You have to give a little in order to win. The less you sweat over the small stuff, and the less you argue over little things, the more peace of mind you will have.
When you make an argument out of everything, and you attend every argument you're invited to, it slowly erodes your peace of mind. You become more and more sensitive, become more and more on attack mode, and are on the offense all the time. Not a good place to be.
Maybe someone moved the table to the other side of the room. Maybe somebody sat in your seat when you just got up. These little things really don't matter.
Yet that's just part of human nature. We say to ourselves, "They're not doing what I want, so I'm going to argue with them, and now it's their fault." And that causes a pile of problems that are completely avoidable - if we simply don't sweat the small stuff.
Instead take a breath in and out, while still staying calm, and discuss the facts, just the facts. Basically be the thermostat, not the thermometer. (One sets the temperature, the other reacts to it.)
So don't sweat the small stuff. It's well worth it.
- Don't take things personally.
People who have strong personalities often don't know they're coming on strong. But if you take what they say personally, communications shut down. Every time.
Now, if you feel the temperature of the room rising and you're grappling with taking things personally, the best approach is to simply let their words fall to the ground as if the other person spoke to an empty room.
If someone is particularly difficult, use a pause of about 8-10 seconds of silence (it can be longer if needed). Because when you do that, there's nowhere else for their words to go. In fact, it makes them rethink and question what they just said to you.
Silence is also powerful because no one can create anything out of it. Silence gives you the power to choose.
It gives you the power to choose your response and sends a very strong message to the other person that you are the one in control, because it gives you the time and space to decide, "Is this someone I want to talk to? Is this something I want to respond to?" You have choices in that pause. And that pause also shows that you are also someone worthy of respect. It sends a very powerful message back.
When you let that pause hang in the balance, you're the one who has the control.
- Dial down the intensity.
So you're not sweating the small stuff, and you've paused 8-10 seconds, but the heat is still turning up during negotiations. Now what?
When the temperature in the room is on the rise, here are three responses that you can use to help to dial down a potential argument back into a conversation:
- Tell them what you agree with. Mind you, you don't need to agree with anything they said. Instead, focus on whether the subject itself is worth discussing. Focus on the topic at hand. For example, "I agree this topic is worth discussing." Or, "I agree that we need to have this conversation." Because when they hear the phrase, "I agree," it automatically breaks down their walls. It's incredibly powerful.
- Tell them what you've learned. For example, "After listening, I've learned that this topic is important to you." Or, "Thank you for telling me." Or, "This is something new for me, I've learned something." When you say the phrase, "I've learned," it creates a student-teacher mentality and makes them less defensive because they've 'taught you something'. And it works really well at lowering defenses.
- Tell them what's been helpful. For example, "That's helpful to know," or, "Thank you for telling me." The word "help" is essential because everybody loves to be helpful. Whenever they hear the phrase, "help" or "helpful," it makes them feel like they've invested in their own mutual understanding and thus makes them less defensive. (1)
Follow these principles, and you'll be exceptionally well-prepared for your next conversation - whether it's a high-stakes negotiation, a tough feedback session, or just everyday dialogue. Staying calm and centered isn't just a tactic; it's a skillset that strengthens every interaction you have.
When you let go of sweating the small stuff, refuse to take things personally, and deliberately lower the emotional temperature, you eliminate the tension that turns discussions into tense and tough debates. Instead conversations flow naturally, and people feel heard, their defenses drop, and real progress becomes possible.
Master this, and you'll notice the difference: smoother outcomes, stronger relationships, and far less stress along the way.
Be sure to come back next month when we cover Environmental Issues. |
